There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
