Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish i was in the wii world.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
