I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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