If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
