Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
ttyl tear gas
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
