the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he thought i was a dude.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
