thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
