I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
