Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
