even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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