wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
