I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
