I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
