Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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