I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
