How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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