Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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