I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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