My friends, they love my intelligence
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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