can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
