I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
