Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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