Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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