all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
