You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The adults are the big ones right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
