Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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