I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
