apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
