I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
