It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
