you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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