I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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