Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
