So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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