Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
