i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
