she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
