You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
