I like my sex mixed with concussions.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.