how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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