I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
