wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We talked him into tasing himself.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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