why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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