Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
