I wish you could order shots online.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
