I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
