his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
