I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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