I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
