I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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