dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
