He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Randomize
