Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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