If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
