I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
