You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
