apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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