if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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