i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
