I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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